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12:55 pm - the false face must hide what the false heart doth know

If not for this puerile teenage angst, I could have been the poster child for the perfect life. This does not render my emotions and experiences any less valid, but do take what you see here with a pinch of salt and a modicum of respect, or else..:)






UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED, PICTURES/POETRY POSTED ARE MY OWN. PLEASE DO NOT CIRCULATE THEM WITHOUT PERMISSION OR CREDIT.

THANK YOU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!

05:02 am - Rant: "FAT"

(I posted this on an Asian LGBT personals site. I clearly state that I like big girls in my profile, but the responses I got sadly fall into the "120lbs, fat and depressed", "is this a joke" and "OMG freak" categories.)

( Read more... )

11:15 am - Yay, another rant

I have almost forgotten how Singaporeans just looove to stare at anything unconventional.

I remember attracting attention because of my fat, multiple piercings and tattoos, abnormally large breasts, short hair, punk/goth/butch-ish clothing or when I am with someone who is different. Most people also hate confrontation. If you as much as try to acknowledge that they are staring, they avert your gaze and pretend to study the floor or the ceiling.

People, particularly older folk also like to gossip. For whatever reason, they seem to think that I do not understand Mandarin or Malay and loudly talk about me right under my nose. Even when it is blindingly obvious that they are talking about me ("Oh look at that gold-digging slutty bimbotic SPG sitting right in front of us teehee"), they still denied it when I asked them about it in the language they were conversing in and they didn't even have the courtesy to look embarrassed. More often than not, they act like I am the rude one.  

Knowing how conservative and narrow-minded people here generally are, I am really surprised at how I actually got less obvious attention when I am out holding hands with a girl. Head-shaking, tutting noises, disgusted parents shielding their children's eyes and the occasional homophobic slur, more if said girl happens to be butch, older or of a different race. Some men act like they are entitled to leer openly too. Two guys even approached me in front of my clueless Danish partner to ask me why I don't like Asian men. Ugh. Even some people I consider friends seem to insinuate that I am with K for his supposed fat wallet and package or just can't stop making SPG jokes.

And oh, related rant. Don't you just hate it when icky strangers on the street tell you how you seem so "nice and interesting" and how they would love to "make friends"? Pathetic, especially when all they do is gawk. 

10:47 am - More boring updates

I have decided to list my beloved shoes. The cobbler added a new red rubber sole, fixed the heel taps and tried to mend the nick on the heel, but there isn't much he can do to make them fit. Someone bought the item and refused to pay, and meanwhile I am getting low-ball offers and strange pic requests from fetishists. I didn't know eBay selling is such a hassle. *sigh*

And ugh, I got a huge shock when I removed my nail polish last week. My toes are badly bruised, though it isn't painful at all and I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with my heels. They look awful though - no peep toes all summer since it will take five months before they look decent again! I think they are caused by those horrible ballet flats that I should have tossed long ago. Everyone raves about how comfortable they are, but I guess that doesn't apply when you have an unnaturally high arch and long, wide splayed toes. Still looking for comfy casual shoe recs besides Birkenstocks, Crocs and trainers!

We discovered a corner store that sells some cheap goodies. Half the price of McVities and more orange goodness per cake. I also found decent dupes for Pretz biscuit sticks and YamYam chocolate dips. I have been craving childhood snacks lately and am almost desperate enough to shell out exorbitant prices for them in Chinatown so that is good news! I will be back in Singapore soon enough anyway - binge fest!

Going to Denmark soon enough to visit K's family. It is ironic how airfare is only £20 but train, coach and bus tickets to K's obscure small town add up to £90 or so. Not feeling too pleased about being stuck in the middle of nowhere for so long - it doesn't help that Danes speak little English. At least there is Internet!

And... my first time beating Pandemic! LOL.

Current Mood: cold

08:44 pm - Brief updates

1. End of school term, exams commence in late April.
2. Tentatively going to Denmark to visit K's family after my exams in late May.
3. Singapore trip date change - 5th to the 26th of July. I am quite displeased but I hope to get the most out of it. 
4. Goodbye evil winter, with some luck I will stop falling sick and go out a little more. There is still so much of UK and Europe to explore.
5. K and Em are finally getting along properly, thanks to the World of Warcraft. Both of them have resumed playing and are starting to ignore me again, grrr.

08:41 pm - Asexuality musings

As some of you know, my current partner is asexual. Asexuality is commonly defined as any or more of the three - lack of sex drive, lack of sexual attraction to others and lack of interest in romantic relationships. The last one is apparently quite rare, since most asexuals seek out relationships for other reasons, even shallow ones. There are also some self-identified asexuals who do have a sex drive, but it is not directed at anyone and while they might masturbate, they have no interest in sexual activity with another person. (I don't know if I would consider such a person asexual though.) I consider myself open-minded and aware of most sexualities, but I cannot help but find the absence of sexuality rather disconcerting.

He also identifies as heterosexual. He enjoys typically feminine traits and finds the female body aesthetically appealing but it doesn't turn him on. Nothing does. This is something I struggle to grasp because I have always assumed that asexuality is an absence of sexual orientation as well as desire. My partner enjoys typically feminine traits (eg. frivolity, long hair, the nurturing instinct) and female companionship, but he doesn't relate to other straight guys at all. He also dislikes anything that is typically male, especially how males sexualise women and while he often curls up happily on the couch with my gay friends, the idea of kissing a guy or even a butch woman turns him off. He enjoys cuddling me, if only because he loves and cares for me and he would feel violated if a random girl hugs him.

He has no sex drive whatsoever and is disgusted by the idea of masturbation. He says he has never felt the urge to do it at all, even when he just hit puberty. It could well be a lack of testosterone since he has minimal body hair, an androgynous look and voice but I am not quite sure. He does not agree with what he perceives to be the current world view of sexuality; he thinks it is empty, pointless and unneccessarily restrictive so he shuts it all out. Porn, erotica and the like elicits nothing but mild amusement and disgust. He is, however, somewhat more receptive to the idea of lovemaking in the context of a long-term romantic relationship but this is not something he actively pursues. In fact, he expresses a complete disregard for his own physical pleasure but would do it to please a partner and that he derives some sort of fulfilment from that.

He is pretty apathetic about his sexuality and doesn't get why I am so intrigued by it. It doesn't actually affect the relationship but I guess I am just curious about alternative sexualities in general. I feel guilty about probing him too much though because I don't particularly enjoy others questioning my sexuality. I don't think I will ever understand it completely, but I am beginning to see it as a stable, legitimate orientation. For some reason or another, asexuality also feels more awkward and embarrassing. I hardly ever hear about asexuality, even in GLBTQ communities. I also wonder if queer people and asexuals have anything in common besides not being typically heterosexual.

What does asexuality mean to you? Do any of you (1% of the population, apparently) actually identify as asexual? How does it affect your relationships?

01:21 am - Yay

I am likely to be back in Singapore from the 26th June - 27th July.

It has been two years since I last saw most of you and I can't wait!

08:41 am - Random whines

The extra 15 pounds or so that my body gained to combat the cold are now slowly but surely melting away. I whined about being unable to fit into my favourite clothes in November, but I always start sulking just as my bum starts looking bony, flat and saggy again. It happens every year here.

I am also rather annoyed that I have to send my new jeans for alterations. Seriously, what is with the 35" inseams thesedays? Even my girls size 10 jeans are too long for me to wear with flats. £10 for a simple original hem job is ridiculous! One of these days I am getting a sewing machine, though having failed Home Economics miserably it will take a while for meto learn how to use it.

Royal mail, please hurry up! I am itching to make a Valentine's Day card for K, but my craft supplies have not arrived yet. Neither has my raspberry dress and it makes me so nervous because I am not sure if it would give me the dreaded quadra-boob effect if I even manage to zip it up on my own!

We are planning to grab food at the Japan Centre. Unagi, sashimi, roe, soft-shell crabs, handrolls, katsu don, tempura prawns, sushi and some kick-ass green tea ice cream! Satiated, we will laze the weekend away. Good times.

Current Mood: awake

04:29 pm - Cat in the flat

We have a new pet now!

This little darling has been lurking outside our flat for days. Em brought it in on a particularly chilly night and it hasn't left since. It is such a frisky and greedy furball, purrs like a motorcycle and it answers to the imaginative name Cat.



I still prefer dogs, but oh well.

Current Mood: amused

05:38 pm - Laptop!

Pink!
I picked it for the 3 year accidental damage support though.





So yes, I am almost back on LJ even though Facebook is more distracting. :D

09:19 pm - Misery!

Oh yay, almost four months since my last post. I spent a fair chunk of my time in Denmark, staying with my love. Makes me so sad that my student days are going to be over soon enough and there will be no more long, relaxing breaks. Over the years I have heard way too many people complaining about their jobs and the idea of working depresses me, even though I really miss being financially independent.

I haven't been feeling too well for a while now. More weight gain, boob growth (meh I already wear a horrendously large cup size), backaches, migraines, allergies, bad ankles, swollen knees, perpetual cold, nausea and general malaise. Not quite sure what is wrong with this silly body, but this is my 5th winter and I should be more resilient than this.

School is starting, the workload is quite crazy and I just had to replace the laptop and phone I recently lost so I am grumpy about that too. Oh well, grades are finally starting to matter again, fun times await. At least I got to choose most of my modules for this year so it shouldn't too bad.

The flat looks so much better now that it is amazingly clean, hopefully it stays that way. My plain room also got more of a personal touch in my absence, though it is still somewhat cramped and blah. Way too many boring books and nowhere near enough frivolous stuff. Oh well, all of that will hopefully come in time as long as I stay motivated.

My best friend is in London and it makes me so happy. Hopefully he'll be company for the emo weekends. I have been so out of touch with most others back from Singapore that I have almost past feeling guilty about it all. It sucked being deprived of a working computer for so long, and my thoughts about people I keep in touch with online might just change once my new laptop arrives.

Until then.

06:12 am - Reminisce

When I was much younger my family would spend at least a week in Malaysia, visiting relatives during daytime and setting off fireworks at night. I looked forward to the angpows (token money given to unmarried children by elders), the sumptuous spread of traditional Hakka fare and catching up with cousins I only meet once a year.

And then it all got to me. I started to resent being stuck in a rural village with no Internet connection, cut off from my friends. I pushed food around the plate while snarling my way through dinner with relatives who constantly insinuated that I am too tanned, fat, educated, outspoken and masculine to ever get a decent husband. Even the meagre sum they gave is no longer enough, especially if you factor in the conversion rate and the significantly higher standard of living in Singapore. While I still like seeing my cousins, our conversations became interspersed with awkward pauses.

Now that I am away I find that I have even less reason to celebrate. The only value of Chinese New Year I can somewhat understand is family togetherness, and my family is so far away. If not for my flatmates planning a steamboat dinner and my parents phoning persistently, I might not even remember the occasion.

Sometimes I wonder if I have actually forgotten my roots. Sure, I do speak fluent Mandarin, decent Malay and a wee bit of dialect but I was taught all of that. I have a slight preference for Asian food if only because I am a picky eater and greasy Western food makes me sick. I smirk when I see someone belonging to an ethnic minority trying so damn hard to be White, but I am equally amused when they behave in such a stereotypical way that they become a parody of themselves.

Had I not grown up in Asia, would I miss the food, the place, the people? I doubt it. I could encapsulate all of that and move anywhere my job takes me. I would probably do quite fine without. My comforts are seldom based on cultures and places. If home is truly where the heart is then I would be a fine global citizen.

05:13 am - How much is too much?

Behold the power of Photoshop!



1. How would you feel when you finally meet that gorgeous person you have been chatting with for weeks, only to find out that the photographs s/he sent you have all been extensively doctored?

2. Does it make a difference if said person did not doctor his/her photographs, but merely sent you deceptively flattering (Myspace angles/high contrast/black and white/extremely old/etc) pictures?

09:59 am - :(

My MacBook died. The LCD screen is no longer functional due to overheating - common problem for MacBook users as I discovered. Warranty expired last month and it would nowcost at least 300GBP to repair.

Other problems I had prior to this - charger wires fusing due to surprise, overheating (I have a bloody cooling pad!), a broken spacebar key, which led to the entire keyboard being replaced and tiny cracks on the sides due to pressure. It is worth noting that a friend who owns the same model experienced similar problems.

I do like my iPod, the older iBooks and the awesome Apple Desktop I have back home, but.. I decided to pick a PC this time.

Let's see how long the new machine lives.

09:22 am - Winter

It is way, way too cold here.

Putting on weight is not an option.

10:33 pm - Gah

As we grow older, we tend to get more selective of the company we keep. This entry is probably common sense to most people, but I still need to remind myself of the basics. In any case, I have already weeded the bad out to the best of my ability - this is just a realisation.

The closer I am to someone, the higher (and arguably more unrealistic) expectations I have of them. Hypocritcal? Perhaps, given that I am not the nicest person around, but I am my worst critic. I understand that others might have a different moral code and am cool with most, but there are some behaviors I simply cannot accept. My usually accurate instincts got proven horribly wrong recently, and I am more paranoid than ever.

I suppose I have a rather weird definition of friend. I could hang out with someone every other day because circumstance favours it yet consider the person an acquaintance, or not have a conversation with another for years and would still not hesitate to tell him the important and immensely private happenings in my life should I bump into him on the streets. These days I hardly go out or talk to many people, but I still have a strong sense of loyalty towards old friends.

My friends should be sane. Personality quirks are usually not a problem. I consider myself to be knowledgeable and understanding about psychiatric disorders and generally get along with people afflicted with them. In fact, I tend to form, and have formed intensely close bonds with some. My issue lies with people who are excessively dishonest, dramatic and destructive (think borderline/histrionic/narcissistic but unlike real sufferers, delight in and even actively seek the consequences of their actions), especially when they have no genuine need to be. People who lie to everyone about everyone else, people who create a different story every day for attention alone, people who constantly degrade themselves to earn appraisal, people who are shit scared of sharp objects yet decorate their wrists with a knife just to take pictures for the world to see. They suck energy like a black hole, and are quite persistent about keeping potential sources close. Even after the big escape, they still lurk in the shadows, waiting to exploit that little bit of negativity or uncertainty.

Most importantly, my friends must be honorable people. Of course this is subjective, but some values are pretty much universal. I once thought that whatever others did in their own time is none of my business, and that I am the least qualified person to judge. I still do believe in the latter, but find it exceedingly difficult to keep my mouth shut whenever people start bragging about their dirty deeds, or if I hear too much about it from the rumour mill, though I do give them the benefit of the doubt. Even if said person is an absolute angel to me, how can I respect someone who would abuse his spouse regularly, just because? Or someone who fabricates tall tales to con the innocent into handing over their precious earnings and chucking them aside when they find their next cash cow? Even seemingly trivial issues like plagarism on forums, being condescending to domestic help or being prejudiced (Yes, this applies for reverse cases as well). Hidden agendas bother me as well. What happened to "say what you mean and mean what you say"?

Of course there are more, but most behaviors and characteristics I cannot appreciate directly or indirectly fall into the abovementioned categories. There are misguided people, of course, that might fall into one of the above categories. I may be more forgiving, but there is only so much negativity one can comfortably handle. Oh well. Sometimes people have to make mistakes to learn, but I am not willing to be a part of the lesson.

Current Mood: disguted

08:43 pm - Gah

So I am back in Singapore yet again, after a crazy week in London, and I stupidly left my M1 SIM card in the other suitcase. Which means that the best way to contact me for whatever reason is to leave a message here, or drop me an email (huizie@gmail.com).

Something frustrating. I fall ill without fail after every flight, even short distances (eg. London to Dublin). I break out in a rash, my eyes itch and tear, my nose bleeds and drips, I have problems eating and sleeping for the first four days or so and feel extremely weak and moody. I have tried adjusting my bedtime cycle before and after travel, taking Melatonin, vitamins and the like, but it doesn't go away. The doctors I visited merely gave advice and occasional medicine for individual symptoms, but it would be great if I could identify the root of this. Experiences and advice are be greatly appreciated. :(

03:48 am - Cities look alike

I am too tired to give an account of my short trip to Ireland, but we had a great time despite an abrupt change in plans, a traffic accident (Silver Vauxhall hit the side of our Hertz rental car on a busy roundabout, driver never showed up, resulting in a police report and uncertainty about our deposit) and general irritability attributed to too-cold Belfast nights, too-warm Dublin afternoons and long drives on confusing, poorly built roads. Lastly thank you neuy for putting up with us. :)

_

11:39 am - After exams

A big hellooooo from Belfast on a lousy stolen connection that kept timing out. >:(

11:48 am - The Stranger

We were taught to write descriptive essays in Secondary 1. My English teacher Miss Leong gave me a near perfect score and made me read it aloud. My ex-classmates (go 2D!) and best friends yishengo and wooooooon would probably remember this. Bear in mind that I was barely 13 when I wrote this, so no "OMG, cliche hell" comments please. ;)

I trudged drowsily into the cramped lift cubicle and hit the button 'ONE'. A deep sigh escaped me as the greyish door with peeling white paint creaked open to reveal a well-dressed woman in a business suit.

This is not my first encounter with her in the vicinity of my neighbourhood, so I shot her a lazy smile and went back to catch up on my lost-sleep. Though my eyelids were weighed down by fatique, I could not help thinking about her lingering beauty.

Clad in a smart white blouse with a suede grey jacket, a certain aura enveloped her. A dark-coloured skirt that showcased her long slender legs was complimented by a pair of sophisticated high heels. A matching pair of silver earrings completed the outfit.

With that firm chin that exuded confidence, I could picture her beating all her male colleagues to some promotion, putting those chauvinist men who think women should stay home and do housework to shame.

Like most women, she took pride in looking good. Mascara was evenly applied to her voluminous eyelashes, adding to her almost doll-like demeanor. In my opinion, she is the type that does not need thick make-up or Cindy Crawford's mole to look glamorous.

Her puppy-dog eyes were like sunken pools to drown in, and her sweet luscious lips looked so natural that you could not tell by if that baby pink shade is real or one of those barely-there lipsticks that were so in fashion these days.

Her smooth silky hair that had the slightest brown hue was all tied up in a stylish ponytail, but I could well visualize her with that crowning glory cascading down to that tiny waist, doing justice to the latest creations by famous designers.

Why not, you may ask. She was about five foot ten, had flawless porcelain skin and a ravishing smile that could launch a thousand ships. I was lost in my thoughts when she tapped my shoulder amicably.

It was then I noticed that the lift had already touched ground. I yawned and shot her a beaming smile which she returned with her eyes. My gaze was transfixed on her as she made her departure, hobbling away on one leg...